Nuance and Neuroses

Captain's log. 1:30 a.m. Goofy (the cat with the bladder crystals) is running low on food. Good thing I ordered more online. The special kind for urinary health that costs $60. Hmm, 17.6 pounds of food is heavier than I thought. I'll pour some into a smaller container so it will be easier to manage on a daily basis. What do I do with the rest of the bag? If I leave it on the floor, Jack (the cat with the seizures and demonic food lust) will rip it open and eat until he can't feel feelings anymore. Okay, there's a small space on a shelf in the entryway closet. The bag is too tall, but I'll zip it closed and see if I can shove it in sideways. Shit, it's stuck on something else on the shelf. While holding the 17-pound bag with one hand, I'll haphazardly shove the other thing out of the way. Wouldn't want to start over. "Guess that bag wasn't as zipped as I thought," I thought as a half a pound of the expensive special food rains do...

I was just at the baby shower two weeks ago. I still have the Amazon tab open confirming my order of newborn diapers and a hooded bath towel. When something unspeakably tragic happens to someone who doesn't deserve it - and there are some things no one deserves - there are no words to make it better. When two lovely, kind, truly good people who are eager to be parents get to spend just four days with their precious baby, what do you do? What do you say? What do you feel? For me, the answer to the last question is "a lot." Despair. Anger. Heartache. Disbelief. Helplessness. Hopelessness. Somehow guilt snuck its way in there too. Why did this happen? How could this happen? I am not a religious person. I don't even know if I believe in God (but I'll capitalize it just in case). If you believe that everything happens for a reason, that's your faith and that's fine. But if you tell me that a car accident that causes the loss of a premature newborn is ...

Okay, maybe not thirty. But at least six. For me, Valentine's Day has never really been about romance. At each stage of my life it has been about a different kind of love and a different kind of lesson. Right in the Childhood: Treasure Hunts  When my brother Brady and I were kids, Valentine's Day was one of my favorite holidays because my mom would send us on a treasure hunt around the house. After handing us the first clue, it was up to us to figure out where the next clue was. Each rhyming clue would send us to the next location until finally we reached the treasure - usually a basket with candy and stuffed animals. Maybe some heart-shaped sunglasses.  Childhood Valentine's Day was all about family love, with Brady and I giggling and racing and shoving each other out of the way to find the next clue. And adding one more notch to my lifelong love affair with words and wit. Elementary School: BFFs and Social Landmines  While the merits of this practi...

Whoops I only published one post in 2015. Since I'm home alone with my cat, here is my stream-of-consciousness during #Blizzard2016 (hashtagging on blogs is cool and useless). So far this is Blizzard 2016: Jack's tongue is part of the appeal. Earlier I wished I was snowed in with someone but then I started posting wine selfies every hour on Facebook and got some laughs while probably also ruining my career. Also I haven't worn a bra for almost 48 hours and can fart whenever I want so basically I won the blizzard . Added more whipped cream vodka to my Nutella hot chocolate. Can you microwave a drink with alcohol in it? Let's find out. Well, nothing exploded so I guess you can. Unless I die later. I mean, like, sooner-later. I will die later, but hopefully like many-years-kinda-later. I just showed Jack a video with meowing cats. He had no reaction. Goddammit, Jack. There are so many pictures of snow and alcohol and pets and selfies on Facebook this weeke...

I'm tired today. Tired of being strong, tired of taking care of myself, tired of being smart and independent and lonely. I'm tired of keeping it in and being quiet when I'd rather scream. I don't want to be by myself and I don't want to go on any more stupid, boring dates where I'd rather be home with the cat.  And I'm angry. Angry at the happy couples holding hands and angry at the people who jump from one relationship to the next when I've been single for 7 fucking years. Angry at myself at messing up the what-could-have-beens and angry that everyone seems to have what I don't. What I seem to be incapable of getting. Surely I can't be the only one who can't find and/or sustain love? I'm pretty. I'm smart. I'm funny. And I'm picky.  I want things. I want a partner. I want children. Do I NEED them? Well, that depends on your definition of need. Do I need them to validate myself as a person? No. But I need them in the ...

Did you know girls poop? Apparently my most recent date didn't. Who wouldn't want to come home to this every day? Third date with a new guy. In my opinion, it wasn't really long-term potential, because this guy didn't want kids (I do) and didn't particularly like pets (you may know about my love of cats). But, he and I had good conversation, and what I thought was decent chemistry, so I thought I would just have some fun in the short term. On our first two dates, we went out to dinner, and at the end of the second date, he came to my place for a brief, fun make-out session. Third date was tonight. He came over to my place again. We talked for a little while. At one point he said something that kind of annoyed me, and then attempted to kiss me, so I was a bit lean-away-and-face-forward-ish. He got the hint and we started talking again, in a fun way. We were both laughing and having a good time. I was planning to start kissing him again soon. First, tho...

I'm in an abusive relationship with my job. It treats me terribly, and I know it, but until recently I haven't had the guts to work toward leaving it. I've made all the excuses that one tells oneself in an abusive human relationship. It doesn't mean to hurt me; it's just stressed out. When a company is in financial trouble, as mine has been, those in charge start to take desperate measures to work their way out of the hole. The casualties, of course, are overworked, underpaid employees. The implication is that if we just work a little harder, a little longer, we can dig our way out. The whispered threat being that if the company doesn't start to improve, it's kind of our own fault . Well, the job does have some good qualities. I love my boss and my coworkers. I enjoy the work I do. Really. So what if I haven't had a raise in 5 years, there's no room for growth, the upper management seems neither to respect nor even notice the work we do, an...

I've posted before about online dating don'ts for men. I do it mostly in good fun, as I make no claim to be perfect or have a perfect profile. Everyone makes errors in judgment occasionally. Some are more egregious than others. Posting pictures that involve a lineup of people when I don't know who you are? Merits an eye roll, nothing more. Averaging 3 spelling mistakes per sentence? Deep, profound sigh. But occasionally, a profile is so wrong, so off the mark, and so blazingly unaware that my first reaction is to burst out laughing. And then use it as the ultimate example of what not to write. OkCupid Specimen: What Not to Write    I would like you to use just one comma. Is that so much to ask for? Apparently, yes. Oh lordy, where to begin? Oh right, commas. And apostrophes. Where to continue? Let's go with insulting the reader. The reader, presumably, is a woman on OkCupid. According to you, this means she is one of several things: drunk, crazy, a whor...

I feel like I'm buzzing with potential, yet not going anywhere with it. I want to be creative. I have the desire, but I lack the inspiration. I frequently feel like I'm wasting my time. I'm wasting my life. I'm not living in the moment. I'm sort of... waiting. Waiting for life to start.  I don't want to look back on these years, the years that everyone calls the prime of my life in so many ways, and feel as though I've wasted them on the internet, or laying in bed, and waiting for life to start. Life is here. Right now. It's happening as I sit here in my newly laundered sheets, wearing my college sweatpants, drinking a makeshift blood orange cosmo at 11:30 p.m. on a Friday. I'm 26. I'm almost 26 and a half. This is it. All we have is the present. This is it. We don't live in the past. Or in the future. I'm trying, every day, to live in the moment. And it's so much harder than you might think. There is a man (as the...

Let’s just put it out there. I'm Jewish. And I freely admit it: Hanukkah ain’t got nothing on Christmas. Don't get me wrong. We really do appreciate your efforts to make us feel included! It's nice that you say "Happy holidays" sometimes instead of "Merry Christmas," though I don't know know any Jews who would be offended to be wished a merry Christmas. You wouldn't be offended if someone wished you a happy Hanukkah, would you? Society does try to include us Jews in December festivities. Most of the larger chain stores have a section with menorahs, dreidles, a Hanukkah card or two - even if it's one shelf among the aisles upon aisles of trees and lights and wreaths and Santa hats. Usually the 24/7 Christmas radio stations throw us an Adam Sandler bone once in awhile (not literally... ew). You try to deny what everyone knows but won’t say – Hanukkah just isn’t as cool as Christmas. Not that it's a contest. Of course. I like bei...

5:30 pm: At work. About to leave to start getting ready for my date. Receive text message from boy canceling plans for the evening. Reason cited: work. 5:32 pm: Debate sending all manner of passive aggressive text messages. Some aggressive aggressive options cross my mind. 5:34 pm: Settle on the mature and less fun option. No aggression of any kind. My therapist would be proud. 6:48 pm: Forced to leave work by the last person in the building who has a key to lock up. 7:07–7:08 pm: Get home. Get mail. Reduced rate on my car and renter's insurance! Woo hoo! YOU'LL always love me, RIGHT, KITTY?! 7:09 pm: Walk in door. Pick up cat. OMGKITTYIMISSEDYOU! DID YOU MISS ME? YES YOU DID, OH YES YOU DID!!@!1 YOU'D never cancel plans on me, right, kitty?! Put all of my misplaced emotions into cat. My therapist would not be proud. 7:23 pm: Forced to stop checking Facebook and icanhascheezburger by my growling stomach. Laziness outweighed by hunger. 7:24 pm: Stare...

If you're a blogger (as I am), and you are inconsistent at producing content (as I am), as well as a procrastinator (who, me?!?), it is likely you often go through "blogger's guilt." My inner monologue goes a bit like this: Oh man, I haven't blogged in awhile. I really should write something. Ehh, it hasn't been THAT long; I don't have to feel too guilty just yet. I'll really think about it though. Okay, it's been over a month. No one will read my blog if I don't update more frequently. What should I write about? I don't have anything to talk about. Okay, wait, I have an idea. I'll start a post. Wait, I'm tired/I have to shower/I have to get back to work; I'll finish later. Oh wait, I have another idea. I'll start a post. Wait, my room is dirty/Futurama is on/I have to put on pants; I'll finish later. Now I have 6 posts in draft in various stages of completion. Some have 3 paragraphs, some have 2 sentences,...

More to come on my newest online dating venture at OkCupid, but I had to share this. OkCupid stays free because it has advertising galore. Which I'm okay with. I'll put up with some ads in order to join the site for free. In fact, when there are ads like the following, I even enjoy it! Find a date, but don't give them chlamydia! Order a free test online now. It's nice that their ads are so targeted.

See previous post for Nick the Nice Guy Part 1. Obviously. It was after the second date when no sparks were flying, no kissing was occurring, that I started thinking, well maybe I'm not feeling it because he's being too much of a gentleman... He hasn't made any sort of physical move on me. Maybe if we get a little physical, I'll start feeling the sparks. Maybe I have to create the sparks... maybe they won't just come to me. So I started turning on the flirt. Giving not-at-all-subtle hints that he could get a little more.... aggressive.... with me.  Hi, red flag. Nice to meet you. As any heterosexual male would do when opportunity smacks him in the face, he accepted the offer. On our third date, we went to a bar close to where he lived. He didn't seem too keen on staying there long. Go figure. And guess what? My brilliant plan had not succeeded. Despite getting physical, I still was not feeling feelings. Are you surprised? All that happened was tha...

If a guy's really nice, and not awful looking, and clearly really likes you, it's a good thing, right? What if you've gone out with him a few times, and never felt that "spark"? How long do you give it before you figure out if you are ever going to be interested, or if it's a lost cause?  I write about date night horror stories a lot, because they're way funnier than the stories about guys who just sort of fizzled out. But in the spirit of balanced reporting, I submit to you the story of Nick the Nice Guy. I'm kind of experiencing a similar situation with someone else right now... so I'm looking for a little clarity on this type of experience. Nick the Nice Guy: Part 1 Dating site: JDate Fake name : Nick (the Nice Guy) Age : 23 Job : Counselor, works with kids and teens. Time frame : January and February of 2010 When I started chatting with Nick, I was very excited. Based on the pictures, he was cute, and had a similar sense of humor as...

I should buy this t-shirt and wear it underneath my clothes on every date with guys I meet online. Just in case.

My subscription to Match.com ends today, February 13th. How appropriate.* I don't actually care all that much about Valentine's Day. It's always been more about the candy for me than the men. Even when I had a boyfriend on Valentine's Day, I didn't do romantic things. I sat onstage with a bunch of other women and talked about vaginas. I performed The Vagina Monologues in college each year on Valentine's Day. That must have been fun for my ex, to watch a girl power lovefest onstage on the most romantic day of the year. Regardless, being single on Valentine's Day sucks. So I'm going to buy myself some candy and watch Castle . Mmmm, Nathan Fillion, you can be my valentine. *PS: I have decided to renew my subscription. For you, the readers. I only started this blog a few months ago. It'd be a shame to waste such fabulous writing potential.** **PPS: Also Match offered me 6 more months for half the price.

You would think that if you've taken the time, and maybe the money, to do online dating, you would actually want to find some measure of success. Based on some of the things I've seen on guys' profiles on Match, this is in fact not the case. So here is a list of the top 5 stupid things that I have seen guys write. All excerpts are real, unmodified (for the most part) passages from male profiles on Match.com. 5. Sarcastic "fake" profiles This is when guys apparently think it is funny to create a completely fake (at least I hope, dear Lord I hope) profile. Either they are doing it to show their equally mature male friends with no intention of getting a response, or they hope some girl will find it funny. Exhibit 5:    I will pay you if you date me! I am clingy, jealous, and have terrible hygiene. I hate activities. Also, I cry a lot...especially at barbecues (i don't know why). Interesting fact: I love exotic foods. When I was 12 I ate my little sis...

The good thing about keeping a blog is that going on a date is win-win. If it's a good date, that's awesome, but if it's a bad date, I have more inspiration for the blog. From this, you may have gathered that tonight's date was of the "bad" variety. It wasn't a dating horror story, and no one was seriously injured, but as dates go, this one was a definite fail. The lead-up to the actual date was a bit like the Jaws theme song. Subtle, but the observant ones see the signs. The smart ones listen to the signs. The lonely single ones willfully ignore them. It started, as it usually does, with a (Match.com) wink. I winked because he seemed sensitive (he writes music, he's in a band) and like he could be cute. As we emailed back and forth, there emerged some slight, shall we say, idiosyncrasies. It started with some odd phrasing, some metaphors that seemed out of place in casual email conversation. We set a date to meet and started discussing...

Every few weeks, after putting in so much effort and getting what seems like little return, I contract a little-known disorder called ODF —Online Dating Fatigue. Online Dating Fatigue Online Dating Fatigue, or ODF, is a rare but serious medical condition that affects the heart and brain of males and females who actively participate in online dating for 1 month or longer. It is described as a severe frustration with the online dating process and a period of abandonment of the dating website in question. Online Dating Fatigue may last anywhere from 1 day to 3 months, possibly longer if left untreated. Doctors classify ODF as mild, moderate, or severe:     Mild     A tired, ache-y feeling, followed by a closing of the sufferer's laptop or turning off of the sufferer's desktop computer. May return to online dating in approximately 1 to 7 days. Does not require treatment.         Moderate  ...