Sarcastic, neurotic writer/editor on the verge of becoming a crazy cat lady. Sometimes I share my feelings stream-of-consciousness and sometimes I present methodical analysis. I also like puns, because you can't spell "analysis" without "anal."
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I should buy this t-shirt and wear it underneath my clothes on every date with guys I meet online. Just in case.
Just read your whole blog! Really enjoyed it- very much goes with my online dating experience what with stupid profiles and bad picture choices. It's not an easy playing field. Look forward to reading more!
Oh, I love that shirt! I totally want to wear it the next time I end up on a date with a guy who looks about ten years older than he did in his pictures.
Captain's log. 1:30 a.m. Goofy (the cat with the bladder crystals) is running low on food. Good thing I ordered more online. The special kind for urinary health that costs $60. Hmm, 17.6 pounds of food is heavier than I thought. I'll pour some into a smaller container so it will be easier to manage on a daily basis. What do I do with the rest of the bag? If I leave it on the floor, Jack (the cat with the seizures and demonic food lust) will rip it open and eat until he can't feel feelings anymore. Okay, there's a small space on a shelf in the entryway closet. The bag is too tall, but I'll zip it closed and see if I can shove it in sideways. Shit, it's stuck on something else on the shelf. While holding the 17-pound bag with one hand, I'll haphazardly shove the other thing out of the way. Wouldn't want to start over. "Guess that bag wasn't as zipped as I thought," I thought as a half a pound of the expensive special food rains do...
Every few weeks, after putting in so much effort and getting what seems like little return, I contract a little-known disorder called ODF —Online Dating Fatigue. Online Dating Fatigue Online Dating Fatigue, or ODF, is a rare but serious medical condition that affects the heart and brain of males and females who actively participate in online dating for 1 month or longer. It is described as a severe frustration with the online dating process and a period of abandonment of the dating website in question. Online Dating Fatigue may last anywhere from 1 day to 3 months, possibly longer if left untreated. Doctors classify ODF as mild, moderate, or severe: Mild A tired, ache-y feeling, followed by a closing of the sufferer's laptop or turning off of the sufferer's desktop computer. May return to online dating in approximately 1 to 7 days. Does not require treatment. Moderate ...
I've posted before about online dating don'ts for men. I do it mostly in good fun, as I make no claim to be perfect or have a perfect profile. Everyone makes errors in judgment occasionally. Some are more egregious than others. Posting pictures that involve a lineup of people when I don't know who you are? Merits an eye roll, nothing more. Averaging 3 spelling mistakes per sentence? Deep, profound sigh. But occasionally, a profile is so wrong, so off the mark, and so blazingly unaware that my first reaction is to burst out laughing. And then use it as the ultimate example of what not to write. OkCupid Specimen: What Not to Write I would like you to use just one comma. Is that so much to ask for? Apparently, yes. Oh lordy, where to begin? Oh right, commas. And apostrophes. Where to continue? Let's go with insulting the reader. The reader, presumably, is a woman on OkCupid. According to you, this means she is one of several things: drunk, crazy, a whor...
Just read your whole blog! Really enjoyed it- very much goes with my online dating experience what with stupid profiles and bad picture choices. It's not an easy playing field. Look forward to reading more!
ReplyDeleteOh, I love that shirt! I totally want to wear it the next time I end up on a date with a guy who looks about ten years older than he did in his pictures.
ReplyDeleteThanks, newyork! Yeah, so far this blog is one of the only productive things to come out of my online dating experience.
ReplyDeleteNeurotic, I saw that shirt on Zazzle, and I had to link to it. I wouldn't have the guts to actually wear it on a date, but I like to pretend.