Top 5 Dumb Things on Guys' Online Dating Profiles

You would think that if you've taken the time, and maybe the money, to do online dating, you would actually want to find some measure of success. Based on some of the things I've seen on guys' profiles on Match, this is in fact not the case.

So here is a list of the top 5 stupid things that I have seen guys write. All excerpts are real, unmodified (for the most part) passages from male profiles on Match.com.

5. Sarcastic "fake" profiles

This is when guys apparently think it is funny to create a completely fake (at least I hope, dear Lord I hope) profile. Either they are doing it to show their equally mature male friends with no intention of getting a response, or they hope some girl will find it funny.

Exhibit 5:

   I will pay you if you date me! I am clingy, jealous, and have terrible hygiene. I hate activities. Also, I cry a lot...especially at barbecues (i don't know why). Interesting fact: I love exotic foods. When I was 12 I ate my little sister's guinea pig to see what it tasted like.
   On our date we can discuss many interesting topics such as how my uncles would take pictures of me in the shower. Please don't be a big talker, I like to talk about myself so try and stay quiet.
...
   I just got out of a five year relationship. If you are wondering why, it was court ordered. I beat her but it was her fault. She always forgot to raise her hand before she spoke and sometimes she would wear obscene outfits where everyone could see her ankles...what a slut.
...
   Here are some testimonials from previous dates:
   "He said he was going to call but his dog ate my number, then aliens took his dog. I believe him." -Bertha

And believe me, there's more.

Humorous? Sometimes. But will it get him a date? Doubtful.

4. Being too cocky

Confidence is important and sexy, and you do have to try to modestly describe your best qualities to a complete stranger. But there's a fine line between confident and cocky. You cross into cocky when, for example, you start telling girls how good looking you are, even when there is photographic evidence to the contrary.

Exhibit 4:

just look at my picture and tell me how i look to me im very handsome man

 This one's full of grammatical errors, too. It illustrates various "what not to do"s.

3. Telling us right off the bat what you DON'T want.

Yes, you gotta have standards, but it's an immediate turn-off to hear something negative. I don't want to be berated for potentially having qualities that you don't want in a mate.

Exhibit 3A:

I can smell drama and problems from far away, and i refuse to allow entrance.

Exhibit 3B:

I ... am not looking for games or anything of that nature I would rather everyone know this now.. and not to waste my time if your a cheater/ or liar

Oh, well, I was planning on playing games with you. And once I was done playing games I was going to cheat on you repeatedly as I lied about it. BUT, since you told me that you don't want that, I won't bother contacting you. Thanks for letting me know.

Though I understand the impulse to ward off certain types of people, this isn't the way to do it. People don't set out to be mean, and rather than achieving your goal, you'll only turn off people who may have been interested.

2.  Exposing your baggage

We've all got baggage, past relationships, past pain, but it's best not to put it out there at the start. Then potential matches are left wondering about your state of mental and emotional health... not a favorable first impression.

Exhibit 2A (This exhibit has been lightly proofread because, well, I can't help it):

I'm a dj that [has] been hurt many a time[s] in relationship[s] and I just want someone who [will] like me for me and wa[o]nt hurt me

Exhibit 2B:

Hopeless Romantic Just got out of a 10 year relationship

Wow, a 10-year relationship.... can we say rebound?

Exhibit 2C:

I don't know, It seems I'll be single forever.

Depressed, hopeless, desperate? Pick your poison. I won't, thanks.

And the NUMBER ONE dumbest thing that I have seen on guys' online dating profiles:

1. "No fatties."

Oh yes. OH YES. I have seen this. On more than one occasion. SURELY you can see that this will ONLY turn off women. Even the skinniest, prettiest women. This makes you look like a dick. A superficial dick. A superficial dick who doesn't understand how women think.

SIGN ME UP!